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They say there’s a war on Christmas
That you can’t even speak its name
Well, I don’t think anything has changed
Because for me it’s still the same:

There’ll be Santas, there’ll be reindeer
But religion we’ll not feign, deer
At our secular Christmas at home

We’ll buy presents, we’ll spend moolah
But we won’t shout, “Hallelujah”
At our secular Christmas at home

We’ll have some pagan mistletoe
Set the yule log all a-glow
Put up a pine tree just like the Vikings
Did of old

But please don’t go ballistic
If I don’t get all monotheistic
You know that normativity always
Leaves me cold

Invite the Muslims, and Reform Jews,
Agnostic Buddhists, Sikhs, and Hindus
To our secular Christmas party-time

There’ll be wines, there’ll be cheeses,
But there’ll be no baby Jesus
At our secular Christmas party-time

Feel free to go to midnight Mass
As for me, I think I’ll take a pass
I’m not interesed in all that ancient
Bible stuff

When it comes to the supernatural
I’ll tell the kiddies that Santa’s factual
I think that one omniscient bearded
Guy’s enough

No need for preachy Sunday sermons
We’ve got martinis mixed with bourbon
At our secular Christmas party-time

We’ll be radical left-wing elitists
We’ll hate America, and be defeatist
At our secular Christmas —
How you celebrate is none of my business —
At our secular Christmas at home
Have a secular time!
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“Secular Christmas” by The Consensus Bureau

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